homesick during holidays

I live in Tennessee. My parents and one of my cousins live in Virginia. Several people in my family live in Ohio. Then we have some in Alabama, some in Missouri, Colorado, and Florida. Around Thanksgiving my husband starts asking if I want to go see my parents. I do, but I think it would be more convenient to see them at my birthday. And nobody wants to go to Ohio in the winter. So I almost always opt for staying home. Then a couple of days before Christmas, I start to get emotional... crying in the shower (which for some reason is my "melt-down" spot) and over certain Christmas songs.

Last night, I decided to make my dad's family's oyster dressing. The smell of it made me cry. Then I ate half the pan when it was done. My God it was good. The only problem with eating something that reminds you of your family when you miss them is... I still miss them and the next morning I still have a belly ache.

My lovely children

Ok so a big part of my day yesterday was about dogs... but that wasn't really all. I also hung out with my kids a bunch and had happy times. After my 18 year old daughter got off of work we met her at the movies to watch the Sherlock Holmes sequel. (Which was fabulous.) Then we came home and made a gingerbread house. We've never made a gingerbread house before.

Now to back up a minute, I have a ridiculous reason for wanting to make a gingerbread house. When I was 18 my future in laws did not really like me. They did like my future brother in law's girlfriend at the time, a LOT! This drove me crazy because she was probably the person I liked the least at that time and I LOVE to be the favorite. So that Christmas, the girl made a gingerbread house at school and instead of taking it home and giving it to her mother... she gives it to my future mother in law who absolutely raves about it. This also drives me crazy and I have wanted to make one ever since. Keep in mind, I have a great relationship with my in laws now, we're very close. And nobody keeps up with that girl at all. There is absolutely no reason for me to continue to think about this... and yet... I just bought a gingerbread house. That's not the ONLY reason I bought it. I also thought it would be fun to do with my kids.

One child- 14 year old boy- flat out refused to help. But he reconsidered when I got really sad. Then as we got started, I told my daughter about the girl with the gingerbread house 22 years ago. My daughter called me out for a goofball. Next glitch, none of us are crafty. We get icing/glue everywhere. Our house is slanted to the side. The roof doesn't really meet at the top. One side of the roof is upside down. We decorate both sides of the roof differently. Her side has a lovely pattern, mine has all the candy I could fit on it. My daughter is hilarious and jokes sarcastically about the whole building process. My son stays in the kitchen with us encouraging us by saying, "It's your first one. Maybe they will get better if you keep doing them every year." I just laugh and laugh and laugh enjoying the time with my kids. It didn't turn out great. But we declared it a success and it is displayed in the kitchen. :-)

Then we watched a Christmas movie and then an episode of Parenthood. Then I went to bed and thanked God for my wonderful life.

Dogs

I love dogs... all dogs. I love every dogs face. A dog will see me in a crowd of people and come straight to me. Dogs that don't like anyone outside of their own family, like me. My husband likes dogs ok I guess. It's one of the 72 million ways we are completely opposite from one another. We have been married 18 years and together as a couple for 21. This is one of our biggest issues.

I was raised with big dogs in the house. I am an only child. My first dog, Jake, was my very best friend. All our dogs were members of our family. When I was sad, I went to my dog. One of the worst moments of my childhood was when Jake died. It was horrible and I couldn't go to him for comfort.

My husband was raised with dogs outside. His baby book has a different dog in it every year. This one given away for digging, that one had to go for leaving the yard, etc etc. They fed them and sometimes patted them on the head on the way in the house.

The history of pets for us- I convinced him to get an outside dog when our daughter was two. I tried to bring Roxy the husky in, but she wasn't interested in coming in at all. So everyone was happy. A couple of years later we moved to a place with more property. We inherited another outside dog when we moved in. He also had no interest in coming in. Rowdy was a very outdoorsy, hunting kind of dog. But I was really trying to get an indoor dog. The next move brought both those dogs with us and I talked my way into an indoor cat. Then Rowdy passed away at 10 and Roxy was so sad we got Pete. He had been in a shelter for 5 years and was thrilled with our yard and his dog house. When my daughter turned 16 she asked for an indoor dog. After years of trying to talk him into it, he let Fritz the schnauzer (doesn't shed, was out of his puppy stage, potty trained) come into our lives. Roxy and Pete both passed away in the same year. Roxy was 16 and Pete was 10. It was a tough year. This summer my son asked for his own dog. And not a prissy dog like Fritz. So Goldie, the 2 year old Golden Retriever mix came to the house. But it turned out she sheds like a fiend and my daughter and I are shockingly allergic to her fur. She is mainly an outside dog which none of us really likes.

Last year, I had a pet sitting service. It was great! I got to play with all kinds of dogs without having to have a ton of dogs at our house. Then I went back to college and with work, kids, husband, my own dogs and church... I just didn't have time for it. However, I still do it for my friends.

My day today has been all about dogs. I got up to go let Murray (friend's dog) out for the day and feed & water him and his cat friends. When I got in the van, Goldie got out of the fenced in back yard. I put her in the van and took her to Murray's with me and Fritz. Everything went fine. Then when we got back my husband and son started trying to fix the fence where she couldn't escape. We were all filthy and it took so long we couldn't get to church. We still haven't been able to keep her in. She never tried to get out before. Now she is like Houdini. She is just brilliant. She is such a sweet dog and so smart. But either we have to put in an underground fence or put crossties all around the bottom of our fence or find her another home. We live on a highway and she can't just run loose. I am leaning toward finding her a better home. I feel bad for her being outside when she obviously wants people. She's different than my other outside dogs.

Then I got on facebook to talk to my cousin about another dog. A friend of mine needed for find a home for her dog. I am taking it to my cousin in VA next month. Now I wish I wasn't, he would be great for Goldie.

UPDATE:We got Goldie about 6 months ago from a lady that loved her but her life had changed where she didn't feel she could keep her. Plus, Goldie is insanely strong and she was having a hard time handling her. I've kept in touch with her and right around this time, she started talking about taking her life back and getting another dog. I asked if she would like Goldie back. She said "YES"! She made more changes so that having Goldie would work. I had been working with her on the leash and stuff so she was easier to handle. We were sad, especially my son, for us... but I think it's best for Goldie. She's back inside all the time with the lady she loves.

KIDS... STAY IN SCHOOL!!!

Why is that an important message for me today? Well because this chick

quit college about two weeks before the end of her first semester and totally screwed me.

I made like 72 different plans for my future while I was in high school. I could go to the flight attendant school that was recruiting me (they came to my house once and called several times) and then move to Nashville and have that airport as my home base but fly all over the world and meet millions of people. I could join the air force (they called a lot too)and travel all over the place. I could move to Florida and be a bartender. I could hitch a pop-up camper to the back of my '65 Rambler and go from town to town waiting tables and having adventures. I could get a degree in journalism and live in NY, some place cool, like the Village. Then I would travel all over, right in the middle of everything exciting that was happening in the world as a reporter.

What happened was I fell in love with a boy that went off to the Navy and wasn't really keen on any of these plans. So the plan I went with was... community college and journalism. Then a job writing where ever we ended up. Only I hated community college and there weren't enough people signed up so they dropped the only journalism class. If you will notice the only thing similar in all my plans was that I was going to move away and see interesting stuff and meet interesting people. Community college meant staying where I had always been, mainly with the same people I had known since 4th grade. I just felt stuck and unhappy and like a loser. So when said boy asked if I would like to move away with him, it took me about 5 seconds to decided to quit yucky boring community college.

Then he got caught sleep walking and was sent home from the Navy. (He sleep walks when he is stressed. I was going to move right before he went out to sea. The thought of me being out there alone stressed him out.) When he got home he decided he had been gone enough and wanted to stay put. Then my parents moved to Virginia Beach on a big adventure. So I was still living at home, working the same job, hanging around the same people, but an even bigger loser because I had dropped out of college and lost my scholarship.

Fast forward a little over 20 years... I am taking one class a semester as I can afford it trying to get my GPA up to a 2.0 so I can get financial aid. I have made five A's since 2002. But with the 6 zeroes I made in 1990, my GPA is still 1.94. I met with an adviser today that recommended I appeal, but didn't sound too hopeful about it. Mainly, I have to keep paying full price for classes until I can get enough in to break 2.0 with that GPA. Thank you very much 18 year old me.

But you know what... I can't really be too mad at 18 year old me. I am still married to that boy. We have AMAZING kids. I really love our life. I have lived in a couple of bigger places. I have traveled a lot with the job I have now. I have fantastic friends that I wouldn't have if I hadn't worked in the jobs I have in this little town. I will eventually get through my Associates Degree and become a Physical Therapist Assistant. Even though I went about my plans the hard way, in the end, God has worked it out so that my main goals were met and I am very, very blessed and happy.

When I started to care about weather

I had worked at TAP Publishing for 6 years and had full access to weatherTAP.com. I mainly looked at the forecast. Then a tornado came through a friend of mine's house. They were in the house with no idea it was that close until they heard it. They barely had time to get anywhere safe. They didn't have room in the hall closet for the whole family and they felt like that was going to be the safest place in the house. So they had about two seconds to decide who would go where. They put the two oldest kids in that closet. They took the baby and went into the bathroom.

I always get choked up at that part of the story. They didn't want to split up. But they wanted to give their kids the best shot at making it through. They wanted to put the baby in there too. But what if something happened to him and the other two blamed themselves for the rest of their lives? So the baby had to go with them.

When the tornado hit the house, their oldest son said it felt like the door was going to come off the closet. So he held onto it and his sister held on to him. This is the other part that gets me... they told each other that even though they fought sometimes they really loved each other. These kids were afraid they might not make it and wanted to make sure they said the important stuff. They were about 11 and 12. I can't imagine how the parents were doing in the bathroom, hearing the house come apart and not knowing how those two were doing.

The roof was basically torn off the entire house, except the closet and the bathroom. Thank you God, they were all safe. The oldest son called my oldest daughter to let her know he was ok. It was a very emotional day. The next day, we went over to help clean up. It was crazy and surreal feeling. The house was done. They lived around a year at the wife's parent's house. They've always been a close family, but got even closer that year. Now they have a fantastic new house and all is well. Our pastor says if God takes something, he has something better for you. It was certainly true in this case.

But it freaked me out. I would much rather be in my in-laws basement if a tornado is going take my house. I still can't wrap my mind around how awful that had to have been. At work afterward, the weatherTAP team was talking about tracking the storm on RadarLab. In about 3 min time, they showed me how plot my house on the map and what colors of storm tracks meant we needed to take cover and how long we had to do it. I came home and showed my son. He was nine then and figured it out as quickly as I had. It gave us all a lot of peace of mind when the next storm came through. And it still does.

oh ADD how I hate you

Alright, almost everyone that knows me, knows I have ADD. Not ADHD... I am not hyperactive, I am inattentive. What everyone may not know (although some of you that are very close to me will), I HATE IT!!! I really really do. I hate that it feels like no matter how hard I try I will still drop the ball more than non-ADD people, a lot more. I know God made me like this for a reason and I should embrace it, and believe me I try. But some days are very bad and I feel broken compared to everyone else and honestly, it makes me cry like an idiot... which I also hate.

The times I hate it the most, are when Trace struggles with it. Because I know how bad it feels and I gave it to him. As early as 1st grade he would pray that "his brain would work like everyone else's". Teacher's have told me that he doesn't, in fact, have ADD, because he is also not hyperactive. The inattentive type is missed a lot. People think we just don't care. But we care very much. We tend to act like we don't care as a defense, because you can't go around crying like an idiot all the time.

So I didn't realize I had it until I was about 30. I had already started working at TAP Publishing... which is a wonderful place to work. The only problem is when you read the types of job that a woman with ADD is not suited for... my job is one of them. Over the years, I have read many, many books on ADD, time management and 72 other kinds of books that could possibly help me to do better on the job. I am the assistant supervisor of my department and people are always telling me I am too hard on myself, which I appreciate. However, I feel like it will always be a struggle.

I have tried several different medications. Strattera works like a miracle at work. I can get so much done. But then I come home and either sleep the rest of the night or I am just mean to everyone. I have recently gotten a less than stellar review at work for not getting one of my jobs done. So I tried a new medicine. I don't notice that I am getting any more done. But I have noticed that I am breaking out like crazy. I have been taking the medicine for weeks and JUST NOW realized the connection. That's how it goes when you are inattentive, stuff just gets by me for awhile. So that is why I hate ADD today. Not only does it make me feel broken and like a loser that can't get her work done... but I am going to turn 40 next month with a face that has a bunch of new acne scars.

Woo