Family trip

I haven't been to Ohio in 3 summers. Every summer I have planned to go but then I don't have the money. This summer I just decided I am going no matter what happens. We left at 2:00 AM Saturday morning that way we could get to Ohio around noon and spend the rest of the day. My aunt said we could stay the night with her but we didn't want to impose too long so we planned to leave the next morning and head on to Mom and Dad. The trip started out good. I love going places with the kids and singing and talking and laughing the whole way. We realized that my math was off by about 3 hours. We were set to arrive ahead of schedule. We decide to go on to Lima, get a Kewpee burger, drive around all our favorite places, see Aunt Bridgette and then come to Bellefontaine at noon. Then traffic stopped right outside of Cincinnati and we sat for quite awhile. Next came the rain... lots and lots of rain. The windshield wipers on my car stopped working. I started praying for God to please stop the rain or fix the wipers. We tried stopping at a Wal-Mart to get a wrench and RainX. Turned on the wrong road and ended up at a Midas. They fixed the wipers for free! Thank you Lord! On the road we go again, but have to cancel our Lima side trip. Get a little lost. End up arriving an hour late. I didn't really know who all was coming. My grandma has a little place at my aunt's so I knew I would see them both for sure. But it turned out EVERYONE came. (Except the ones that live in VA.) It was such an absolutely wonderful day. We had a cookout, told stories, laughed and laughed, caught fireflies, and set off sky lanterns. Everyone got along. All the kids played together. I wish I had the whole day on video and I wish it could've lasted longer. Now I'm at the beach and Trace is nagging at me to get off the computer. I will probably write more about this later.

IRA/Random things

Just set up an account with Schwab for an IRA. Makes me a nervous wreck!!! We did everything unintentionally wrong when my husband cashed in his 401k and I'm hoping that won't be the case for mine. Luckily, I have a good friend that's an accountant to help me out a little. Oh and last night we had a company picnic. It will be my last one. I won a door prize, $100 gift card to Wal-Mart! And when I got it from the CEO he said "HE is looking out for you." Made me cry a little. I will really miss this lovely company. Then just now, his daughter (who sits by me at work and is autistic and precious) said she would miss me next week when I am gone visiting my family. But not like she will miss me when I leave forever, then she will shed the tears. Oh this is getting harder every day.

Hi God, I see you everywhere

I know God is always with me. But there are times when you just feel it more than others. And right now is one of those times. When my husband went to rehab, I was leaning on God pretty hard and He really got me through. When I found out I'd been accepted into the PTA program, for a minute I thought of turning it down. Maybe I should focus on my husband this year. Plus it just seemed crazy to quit a good job with insurance when he didn't have one either. Finally, I just took a breath and thought "You know, I have felt like God wanted me to do this... do I now think He can't take care of me while I am doing it?" So I went ahead with my plan. I had a couple of things in mind. Like my husband could work in a bank or even maybe take my job. I was a little worried because I feel like he also has been called by God to do something, (become a teacher) and worried either of those jobs could be good enough to distract him from his purpose. But, we could worry about that later, for now he just needed a job that doesn't hurt his back. He was starting to get depressed again and fall back into some old patterns. We started to worry then decided to following Alanon principles instead of caretaking & enabling. My husband ran into somebody he knows that needed some help on their garbage truck. Guess what, it doesn't hurt his back. But no insurance or anything like that. Soon enough he saw that Homestead school was hiring a custodian. Now he went to Homestead as a kid and LOVES it! This job does have insurance. He got the job yesterday! He is going to be able to work both of them and has one online class this semester. God just worked it all out and with perfect timing. God is so cool like that.

:)

It's one of those days where everything just feels GOOOOOOOD!

Vampire Diaries / Red

I think i briefly mentioned that the kids and I watched a lot of Vampire Diaries while my husband was in rehab. It was kind of an escape I think. We watched like 4 seasons in 3 weeks. But what I didn't mention is I got a huge crush on this character Damon Salvatore. I haven't had an actor crush in a looooong time. Sure he's cute but he was on Lost too and I didn't like him OR think he was cute. It's the character. He's funny and inappropriate. I think he reminds me of my husband when he was younger. But having that crush for 3 weeks must have opened that door again because watching the movie Red last night all I kept thinking is how hot Bruce Willis still is. lol.

Wowza

Turns out my husband didn't have to go to training last night, so he went to the meeting. Today he is working half a day on a garbage truck. He also took steps to get a job I think he would really like. Turns out all the "helping" I've been doing over the years really is enabling. I'm one of those people that cuts open a cocoon so the butterfly doesn't have to struggle and then cripples them because they needed the struggle to build their strength. Damn. That's totally not what I thought I was doing. Well, better to realize it at 41 than never I suppose. I'm seeing a trickle down effect as well. The kids are doing less codependent stuff too. Woohoo! Also, I am moving right along on my school checklist. Today is my first doctors appointment to get all my immunizations started. I will be getting my bonus check soon so I can order all the books and supplies I need (90% of which I already have in a cart on Amazon, once I have money in hand, I just push checkout.)I was just told I will most likely get a $500 scholarship from Good Samaritans soon. I am enrolled in my CPR/First Aid class. And all my financial aid stuff is done, I just wait to see if I get any. Started my day with a jog and ran into 3 lovely dogs and saw the sun rise over some cows in a pond. Plus, it's Friday. Oh yeah, life is so good.

Other meeting

I'm going to my "other meeting" tonight. The NA guys & AA guys have meetings every day, sometimes like 3x a day. Alanon meets one night a week. If you have an hour and half lunch or don't work or something, you can get into one at 12:00 noon. Apparently, we don't need them as much. Or we all THINK we don't need them that much. Either way, there aren't as many. My church has a thing called Celebrate Recovery. It's basically like the others but actually talks about Jesus instead of a Higher Power. It's on Thursdays at 6:30. Last week my husband went to it with me. This week he will be starting training for a job in town 30 minutes away at 6:00. So like all the other meetings since last Friday, he won't be attending. We currently only have 3 vehicles for the 4 people that drive in our family. Husband and son both working tonight so I asked my daughter if she would drop me off on her way to the gym. She isn't going to the gym. I was thinking, I could just ride my bike. More exercise is good right now... endorphins, getting ready for school. But my lovely, lovely daughter said she would take me and she would come to the meeting with me. Now I took them to Alateen meetings about 9 years ago and they didn't really care for them. When I first said I was going to start going to meetings again (while my husband was in rehab) she said "I am NOT going to those!" I told her she is a grown up now and didn't have to if she didn't want to. It's nice that she wants to come tonight. I still told her she didn't have to but she is anyway. Yay!

It's Wednesday, so what

I do not know why that's the title today. haha I went to a meeting Monday night. They have formed a "newcomers group" for 3 of us. And quite the over-it-all, why do we have to come to meetings when they are the problem, super angry little group we are! What's funny (not really funny) is we all look like SUCH nice people. Then we speak and you can tell we are barely holding back punching someone in the face. It was a neat meeting to realize, hey somebody gets me. Really, my favorite so far. Like I KNOW that the ones that have been coming a long time have stood in my shoes. But they don't feel like they might punch someone in the face anymore. Like I said I am still learning the difference in "acceptance", "serenity" and doormat. All this "Someone was mean to me and I ignored it, yay me!" Feels like doormat to me. It feels like the person being a dick gets to keep being a dick and you act like they are not. Like you're ignoring a bratty child. So I guess I could try what I did when my kids whined. Every time someone is mean I could just say "Oh I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you talk like that." over and over until they say it nice. That could be fun for me. We are on day 5 of my husband not going to meetings. I'm reading the literature they gave me trying not to let myself be too pissed. I need a sponsor. I need to call someone and ask what the right thing to do is. But I am pissed. I have vented about 2 hours to my friends and I'm probably not supposed to do that either.

Stay in this day...

Yesterday I got an email from college. It's exciting when that happens... for about 3 seconds... then I start freaking out a little. It contained four documents. 1)A nice welcoming letter. 2) The form I need to take to a doctor so the doctor can say I'm fit enough for this program. 3) THREE PAGES of things I need to do in a month. Most of them require money I don't have. 4)List of books I need to buy. Luckily my "one day at a time" alanon slogan is one I have really taken to heart when I start freaking out. So I asked myself, "what can I do today?" I RSVP'd for a pre-semester meeting. I registered for all the classes I could get into. I emailed and asked what to do about the classes I couldn't get registered for. (Once I'm registered all my financial aid hoops are officially jumped through.)I emailed and asked if they knew of any CPR/First Aid classes coming up that I could get into. My hands have been hurting and I've been a little worried about how they will hold up during the massage stuff. So I emailed a PT I know and asked if he knew how I could strengthen my hands. One of the things coming up is a 3 day orientation that includes fitness testing. I made a workout plan for the next month. Then I did 30 minutes of yoga and a little later I ran 30 minutes. Today, I got up early and ran before work. I made an appointment for my physical. I found a stress ball to squeeze to strengthen my hands. I also am giving up sweets because too much sugar makes my joints ache. I tracked my food. I found a workout buddy for lunch. That's all I can do until tomorrow.

Meetings seem to make me angry

I love The Avengers. My favorite line of the whole movie is when David Banner says "My secret is I'm always angry." He says it to Tony Stark who has been bugging him trying to see how he is keeping the Hulk under control. The reason it's my favorite line is because it's me. I almost always look happy, nice, and calm. Mostly, I'm not. I don't know if pretending I'm not mad when I really am is people pleasing and dishonest or if it's just trying not to be a complete asshole 90% of the time. That's my problem in meetings so far too. I don't know where the lines are. Right now I am happier than I've been in awhile. Things at work are rolling off of me because, honestly I'm on my way out. I don't really have to get emotionally involved in anything. Chip is doing all the things they told him to do in recovery and other than being bored at the moment, he seems happy too. The kids seem good. I'm doing all the things they say I should be doing. (This blog is where I am currently journaling my feelings like I am supposed to.) But when I get in a meeting I get really pissed off. And the whole time the others are talking I think. "I don't know if I want this." I mean, rationally I know it's insane. I recommend this program to people all the time. If Chip stopped going I would be upset because I think it is important. I know intellectually that what they are saying is legit. I've read a lot of material and put a bunch of it into practice. I have had my own slogan for the past year "This doesn't concern me." that I say when I catch myself getting into someone else's business. I take care of myself, exercise, school, friends, etc. But when some nice lady talks about how someone in her life was a total jerk to her and she just detached and went on... I don't know. I guess I don't understand the difference in detaching and being a doormat. And being a doormat is not something I want to do. When I was in trouble as a teenager, my dad used to go on what I called "rants". Nobody likes being in trouble and I happen to always think I am right so I would get angry during these rants. My parents did not take kindly to back talking but they were big on grounding. So I had to just sit still and let him rant. I would look at mom when I was about to freak out and she would shake her head. In my heart, I was screaming every bad word I knew. I couldn't believe he didn't hear them sometimes. I made some internal vow then that when I was grown up I wouldn't just sit and take it when someone fussed at me. By God, I would say what was in my mind. Because, you're dramatic like that as a teenager. And bless Chip, I don't. Nobody else really talks to me like that. If Chip tries I blow up like crazy. Chip thinks it's cute for some reason, so it works for us. Ok, I stopped writing and went for a walk with my best friend. As I was telling her all this and how I have recently been super happy and without stress except I get angry at meetings. I'm not mad at Chip so I don't know where it's coming from. I don't want to share. And if I try to explain to them that I'm doing better than they think they give each other looks like "aw she's in denial." I actually find myself wishing I was an alcoholic instead of codependent. I drank hard, took ephedrine and acted out from the time I was 15-21. I still like to drink but I get really, really sick if I drink over 2 drinks. Sometimes I get Sudafed just for the ephedrine. I overeat a lot. I have addictive tendencies that I keep under control. I could technically say I'm an addict too. Why do I want to??? My friend said, "You don't like to appear vulnerable or weak." THAT'S IT!!! That's the key. I am getting angry in meetings because they make me feel vulnerable and weak and I don't like to do that. Bring on the next meeting.

Today

It feels weird to still be at work, knowing I am leaving in a month and six days. It feels a little like I have been demoted because they've had to get everything situated for when I leave. They did me a big favor letting me stay so long. There have been people that go to give their two week notice and management told them to just go on home. I needed some more paychecks and this will give me more of my bonus too. It was VERY cool of them to help me. It reminds me how lovely the owners of this company are, as well as supervisors and co-workers. I know I am doing the right thing by moving to something that focuses on my strengths instead of ADD weaknesses. But it's still sad/scary to leave here. Almost like moving out from your parents, especially if you had good ones. You know you have to do it and you want to. But you will miss all the love and security of where you have been. I have had thirteen awesome years here. I've grown up. I've traveled to some very cool places (Scotland, Alaska, Guatemala, Lake Tahoe were my favorites.)Most of my closest friends are here. It's a very odd moment in time.

Home

My husband has been home for 3 days. I feel like he was never gone. Even though he has been telling us stories of while he was gone, it feels like that time was a dream for me. He's doing great. Has been to a meeting every day. Seems really, really happy. We're laughing. We're telling the truth about things. We've gone to a movie and out to eat. It's all been good. All the crazy mood swings I was having are gone. I'm exercising and tracking my food again. I'm reading my Kinesiology book & Alanon Courage to Change daily. Everything feels just a little better than normal. He's going to talk to his boss at the car lot about coming back. My last day at TAP Publishing is August 16th. We are still in transition but feels more comfortable than before. I don't know. We will see.

So I have something to tell you....

I met my husband the summer before my freshman year of high school, his senior year. He was hilarious, gorgeous and inappropriately flirty. I was crazy about him. He kissed me that summer but I knew he was just messing around. He was like that with everyone. His brother was my age and we got to be really good friends so I didn't lose touch with Chip entirely. Every time I saw him, he was still flirting with me but you could tell he thought I was too young. Finally, when I was 16 and he was 19 I wasn't too young anymore. We were on again off again until he went into the Navy the summer I graduated from high school. We got engaged about 5 seconds after he got home from boot camp. We were both big "partiers" at that time. It caused us a lot of problems. I basically quit when I got pregnant with our first child. He tried to quit drinking several times. He has grown into a really great guy on top of the other stuff I've always liked. But the addictive personality is still there. He worked in a factory for 16 years and started having back problems. He had surgery but still has pain. He left the factory on his doctors' advice. He is going to school trying to get a teaching degree. We are BROKE most of the time, with both of us in school and his back makes it tough to find a job that doesn't hurt. Before the surgery he was taking some pain pills his doctor prescribed. He realized they could physically addict you fast so he weaned himself off of them after a few months. So last May he started driving a school bus. It hurt his back. He didn't tell me. He started going to a pain clinic. He didn't tell me that either. He has been slipping further into depression. I knew that but kept thinking it was because we are so broke and he's a man and feels like he's not providing. He tried timeshare sales, then tried going back to a factory, and is now trying car sales. June 14th he calls me and asks if I want to hang out before I go to work. Yes! Of course I do, he's my best friend. I get in the car and can tell he's upset. I figure it's about the job and try to get him to talk. He finally comes clean about the pain pills. He's been trying to get off of them but becomes suicidal. When I have a problem, the first thing my brain does is search for a solution. Told my supervisor and his boss we wouldn't be in the rest of the day. Do you want to go to a 12-step meeting, do you want to call our counselor, do you want to call my boss that used to be an addict and has dedicated his life to helping them? Counselor was off for the day. Boss in a meeting. Found out when next 12-step meeting was and went to it. Texted bosses girlfriend who also used to be an addict and has also dedicated her life to helping them. She called a treatment center. They called us back to get the info they needed, told us what we needed to have. Borrowed money to make it all happen. And hit the road. It was only when he walked in and I got back in the car, that I fell apart. Somehow, I didn't see it coming. But I couldn't breathe. Just cry and gasp. I finally turned on the radio and a praise and worship song that I love came on. I sang and prayed and finally could breathe again. I called a friend that had gone to that same treatment center and she talked to me for an hour and a half so I didn't have to drive home "alone". Without my friends and family, I wouldn't have gone through this nearly as easily as I have. Granted, I have all kinds of co-dependent coping mechanisms in place and I don't break much anyway. My kids have basically taken turns making sure I'm never alone much at night. My friends keep checking in with me. I started to withdraw and my daughter called me on it, so I reached out to a few more people. I doubted every decision I made the first week. Terrified that every one was something a sick co-dependent would do and that by doing it I would sabotage my husband's progress. So I went to Al-anon. I talked to the people that helped me get him there. I took care of myself. Slept, swam, read, prayed, talked, cried, escaped by watching Vampire Diaries with the kids, rowed a scull for the first time. I also kept his family informed and tried to be honest and still protect them/him at the same time. I have had to deal with a guy from church trying to contact my husband to sell him more pills and when I said he was in treatment wanted a friend's number to try to sell to him. I said no. I WANT to tell that guy's wife and may still if I ever see his number on my husband's phone again. My emotions are all over the place. ~Hey I am totally handling everything... wow I feel peaceful and blessed... we're starting a new path, this is the beginning of something great...I can't believe he was lying to me all that time... I am the one that has to take care of everything sucky while he gets to focus on himself... I got accepted into the PTA program at RSCC and nobody really cares because we are all focused on him...I am working, jumping through hoops for school, taking care of house, dogs, yard, kids, and have been pet sitting since he left, agonizing over who to tell, and having to do it all by myself...I'm so happy... I'm so sad... I'm so angry... I'm so lonely... I'm cool with being alone...nothing is as fun without him.