oh ADD how I hate you

Alright, almost everyone that knows me, knows I have ADD. Not ADHD... I am not hyperactive, I am inattentive. What everyone may not know (although some of you that are very close to me will), I HATE IT!!! I really really do. I hate that it feels like no matter how hard I try I will still drop the ball more than non-ADD people, a lot more. I know God made me like this for a reason and I should embrace it, and believe me I try. But some days are very bad and I feel broken compared to everyone else and honestly, it makes me cry like an idiot... which I also hate.

The times I hate it the most, are when Trace struggles with it. Because I know how bad it feels and I gave it to him. As early as 1st grade he would pray that "his brain would work like everyone else's". Teacher's have told me that he doesn't, in fact, have ADD, because he is also not hyperactive. The inattentive type is missed a lot. People think we just don't care. But we care very much. We tend to act like we don't care as a defense, because you can't go around crying like an idiot all the time.

So I didn't realize I had it until I was about 30. I had already started working at TAP Publishing... which is a wonderful place to work. The only problem is when you read the types of job that a woman with ADD is not suited for... my job is one of them. Over the years, I have read many, many books on ADD, time management and 72 other kinds of books that could possibly help me to do better on the job. I am the assistant supervisor of my department and people are always telling me I am too hard on myself, which I appreciate. However, I feel like it will always be a struggle.

I have tried several different medications. Strattera works like a miracle at work. I can get so much done. But then I come home and either sleep the rest of the night or I am just mean to everyone. I have recently gotten a less than stellar review at work for not getting one of my jobs done. So I tried a new medicine. I don't notice that I am getting any more done. But I have noticed that I am breaking out like crazy. I have been taking the medicine for weeks and JUST NOW realized the connection. That's how it goes when you are inattentive, stuff just gets by me for awhile. So that is why I hate ADD today. Not only does it make me feel broken and like a loser that can't get her work done... but I am going to turn 40 next month with a face that has a bunch of new acne scars.

Woo