So I have something to tell you....

I met my husband the summer before my freshman year of high school, his senior year. He was hilarious, gorgeous and inappropriately flirty. I was crazy about him. He kissed me that summer but I knew he was just messing around. He was like that with everyone. His brother was my age and we got to be really good friends so I didn't lose touch with Chip entirely. Every time I saw him, he was still flirting with me but you could tell he thought I was too young. Finally, when I was 16 and he was 19 I wasn't too young anymore. We were on again off again until he went into the Navy the summer I graduated from high school. We got engaged about 5 seconds after he got home from boot camp. We were both big "partiers" at that time. It caused us a lot of problems. I basically quit when I got pregnant with our first child. He tried to quit drinking several times. He has grown into a really great guy on top of the other stuff I've always liked. But the addictive personality is still there. He worked in a factory for 16 years and started having back problems. He had surgery but still has pain. He left the factory on his doctors' advice. He is going to school trying to get a teaching degree. We are BROKE most of the time, with both of us in school and his back makes it tough to find a job that doesn't hurt. Before the surgery he was taking some pain pills his doctor prescribed. He realized they could physically addict you fast so he weaned himself off of them after a few months. So last May he started driving a school bus. It hurt his back. He didn't tell me. He started going to a pain clinic. He didn't tell me that either. He has been slipping further into depression. I knew that but kept thinking it was because we are so broke and he's a man and feels like he's not providing. He tried timeshare sales, then tried going back to a factory, and is now trying car sales. June 14th he calls me and asks if I want to hang out before I go to work. Yes! Of course I do, he's my best friend. I get in the car and can tell he's upset. I figure it's about the job and try to get him to talk. He finally comes clean about the pain pills. He's been trying to get off of them but becomes suicidal. When I have a problem, the first thing my brain does is search for a solution. Told my supervisor and his boss we wouldn't be in the rest of the day. Do you want to go to a 12-step meeting, do you want to call our counselor, do you want to call my boss that used to be an addict and has dedicated his life to helping them? Counselor was off for the day. Boss in a meeting. Found out when next 12-step meeting was and went to it. Texted bosses girlfriend who also used to be an addict and has also dedicated her life to helping them. She called a treatment center. They called us back to get the info they needed, told us what we needed to have. Borrowed money to make it all happen. And hit the road. It was only when he walked in and I got back in the car, that I fell apart. Somehow, I didn't see it coming. But I couldn't breathe. Just cry and gasp. I finally turned on the radio and a praise and worship song that I love came on. I sang and prayed and finally could breathe again. I called a friend that had gone to that same treatment center and she talked to me for an hour and a half so I didn't have to drive home "alone". Without my friends and family, I wouldn't have gone through this nearly as easily as I have. Granted, I have all kinds of co-dependent coping mechanisms in place and I don't break much anyway. My kids have basically taken turns making sure I'm never alone much at night. My friends keep checking in with me. I started to withdraw and my daughter called me on it, so I reached out to a few more people. I doubted every decision I made the first week. Terrified that every one was something a sick co-dependent would do and that by doing it I would sabotage my husband's progress. So I went to Al-anon. I talked to the people that helped me get him there. I took care of myself. Slept, swam, read, prayed, talked, cried, escaped by watching Vampire Diaries with the kids, rowed a scull for the first time. I also kept his family informed and tried to be honest and still protect them/him at the same time. I have had to deal with a guy from church trying to contact my husband to sell him more pills and when I said he was in treatment wanted a friend's number to try to sell to him. I said no. I WANT to tell that guy's wife and may still if I ever see his number on my husband's phone again. My emotions are all over the place. ~Hey I am totally handling everything... wow I feel peaceful and blessed... we're starting a new path, this is the beginning of something great...I can't believe he was lying to me all that time... I am the one that has to take care of everything sucky while he gets to focus on himself... I got accepted into the PTA program at RSCC and nobody really cares because we are all focused on him...I am working, jumping through hoops for school, taking care of house, dogs, yard, kids, and have been pet sitting since he left, agonizing over who to tell, and having to do it all by myself...I'm so happy... I'm so sad... I'm so angry... I'm so lonely... I'm cool with being alone...nothing is as fun without him.